lust and so what if you're busted

I am a fool of desire. I'll share my plight here, but I will state that this is a replication of my thoughts not an exact representation.
     Lust ..... It's something we all desire. I for one fall victim to this whim quite often. I find myself thought unable to respond to it's calls and desires. I find that too much bullshit stands in my way. It's funny as I keep thinking back to points in relationships I've been in and keep finding this fatal flaw of where I seem to lose the ability to submit to a primal desire. It's like I fall victim to my own devices and thoughts before satiation of a carnal pleasure. Normally it seems so easy so ready so willing..... then as time passes I find that I become boring and no one seems to want me the way I want them. My eyes and mind then start to wander. I never cheat outright, to be honest if it were not for porn and internet porn I'd be a wandering gigolo. Yet thanks to modern technology I find myself lost to a mastubatory life where I hope and desire lust that never seems to find it's way to me.
     I have my suspicions, but no desire to hurt myself to find truth. In this I am a fool.

The internal bleeding and self demise of Myself (a poetic thought)

I am alone....
Nothing really around yet darkness
I am someone
A once was of humanity and kindness
Hemorrhaging vile of the mentality
A disturbing vision of this entity
I drowned my sorrow
I've murdered my anger

Hope is a fleeting thought of repression
Freedom is a quest of transgression

As I decend into madness.....

     I've been trying to prioritize things to keep myself running on some of the things I enjoy. Yes this list includes my artwork and video games and things that keep my mind active. Hopefully I'll start work at a decent paying job so I can further the progress of my hobbies so to speak. Yet I feel lost in my own world. I feel like I'm an accessory not so much as a part of the life I lead. This is causing ripples into things. Mostly a desire to go beyond normal means of things. My artwork is reflecting a lot of my desires and feelings yet there is a mash of who I am and who I was in those pieces. It may end up simply being nothing new and yet at the same time may become an integral part of my design process. I feel sad yet happy as art brings forth thought and hopefully one day this will all make sense.

You can kill yourself now because you're dead in my mind.

       Having a day, not good not bad. Just a day. It's a twisted world and I feel myself being drawn into my art once again. I'm working on my "Wonderland United" Project which I've been posting pieces to Artist and Madman and My Deviant art page as well I've been working on the story line and character sketches. I'm trying to go beyond wonderland and the mindset that it seems to get limited too. I'm trying not to let it turn to a giant shit pile of darkness and depression, but where I am in the story in my mind darkness is what is rolling in. So I keep looking to the darker recesses of the mind to bring forth what one would find in the dark depths of Wonderland to see what monsters will grow.
     My dreams lately have been filled with a lot of my own darkness so it's somewhat therapeutic to put this darkness into my work, but there are lingering and haunting thoughts. I keep trying to find a way for it to move forward and grow into an epic tale. Yet I find myself pushing out mountains of shadow with no light in sight. I'd like to say that Alice will be the beacon of light in this tale, but it seems she too will make some transitions to where she grows cold and dark before finding peace.
- William Dreimann

Not much left to love to tired today to hate I feel the empty

     Music is a way to soothe the savage beast many have said. To me, it soothes one demon and enrages another. I've been an emotional mess lately. Depression is hitting me in all sorts of angles and I keep looking for something to be able to control. I've been delving into my art and playing a lot with photoshop and just trying to ebb out the things that are frustrating the hell out of me. Yet music comes into play and either I become rock or an emotional mess. It's quite entertaining if you look back on it after the fact, but in that moment I feel things I don't want to feel. There's this fine line and almost anything can cross it but the switches flipped are always non concurrent. Blah.
- William Dreimann

Post Apocalyptic Mind -

     I've hit somewhat of an artistic block. I've been watching animation and weird movies just trying to find something that inspires my drive. Normally I'd post this to my artistic blog, but I'm trying to keep that as artistically pure as possible and I feel this post may detract from my art. That and well the thoughts running through my head currently don't belong there either. I woke up today to hear more treachery, nothing I'll get into detail about but lets just say there is this fine aspect of where I feel my financial woes are not over besides the fact that I'm out of work.
     It's funny people asked to be treated with kindness and respect and when you do they shit on you, but if your guard stays up and you don't trust them they act like you're the ultimate asshole. I almost wish I could use my ammunition properly and take some of these people into their own personal hell. Just because it would be a perfect end to the day.
- William Dreimann

The Inner Me an artistic view of myself -

     I've been doing some deep thinking to the point where I find cravings that really don't make complete and total sense with me. I'll admit there are some things that catch my eye, but it's like things are holding my attention that really do nothing for me. Little details in light, bizarre porn where there is nothing that really turns me on about it, but curiosity won't let it be. To a partial point I'm quite animalistic in my desirable tastes. Yet there is this curiosity to see darker and darker into a world I'll never be able to reach.
     I'm told I'm withdrawn and well slowly heading down that road that doesn't make sense to anyone where people are fearful that I'm going to lose it. Maybe this is what I've become or maybe this is just the path of where my mind is. I know something isn't right, but it's hard to put my finger on what just exactly is reflecting in my thoughts as of late.

I'll be honest with ya...

     I'm still in awe at how many people view the blog of someone they have no personal knowledge of, well to those of you whom keep ending up here might I recommend a blog that I have actually been working hard at. http://anmdreimann.blogspot.com This is a blog of my artwork. I'll admit it's not quite as thrilling as the dreams and thoughts of a weird guy like me but I'm sure it will be way way way more entertaining as I spend more of my time working on the blog than this on.
- William Dreimann

Seriously who keeps reading this????

     I'm finding it kind of funny that the blog I set up to express my random thoughts of nothing seems to get more of a read that anything I put my thoughts into. Maybe it's just a random action that keeps people ending up here. Seriously what is so intriguing about this specific blog? I write down some of the weird shit that goes through my head and it's like crack, I sit down research and back up my work and it's like it doesn't exist..... I don't get it.
     If you're enjoying this madness or the fact that I'm going a bit crazy over something so trivial please leave me a note, say hi or something.... I don't know.
- William Dreimann

Radio Silence

     Lately I've felt lost and alone in a sense. It's hard to understand what I'm looking for in life, or that people have been following and reading some of this crap online. I'm actually quite a boring person yet I feel that I have to share my inner demons and insanity with people. It's like I want to be remembered for something in my life. I'm not saying I'm planning on dying any time soon, but the thought is there that if I were to die tomorrow how would people remember me? I know those whom I've touched the heart of would remember me as I am, but I feel that I would then become a faded memory. I want to do something that people still question and want to know more about years from now. My artwork seems to be the best start to that. I don't know......
- William "Jebus" Dreimann

A pack of smokes and a broken mind :

      I've got to admit this is a first I feel something but I'm not sure how to explain it. It's like this yearning for something different something new. Could be a mixture of madness and expressed feelings I've been repressing for years. I'll admit frustration but maybe I'm seeing more now? I'd like to say this is a good thing but I actually wish to disassociate myself from my feelings as much as possible. Feelings make the mind act off and cloud the logical answers of the mind. God I hate how my mind works.

- William Dreimann

Feeling......

      I'll admit I'm not happy right now I'm just in a crappy mood. I've been sleeping funky and emotionally have the same equivalency to that of a suicidal psychotic madman. So there's that. I'm pondering what the future holds.

The watcher of dreams.

There's a sick and twisted pleasure coming from inside my fantasy
A point where I escape the madness and all of this reality
Keep your minds eye open and watch the shadows closely
Empty darkness is never truly and positively empty
Make haste for salvation from this world
Enigmatic dreams slowly come unfurled
Always see the shadows in the light
Where I stand there watching waiting for night
Always see the glowing eyes of fate
You'll know I'm there you know I always wait

- William Dreimann

I'm trying to find my sense of normal and well keep finding myself lost in Underland

     There's a point where sanity and insanity cross and devils and angels mix. This is where I keep finding myself. It's really confusing to keep finding myself at the crossroads and well I think I need to pull a dethklok with the contracts the devil has to offer lol. There's a lot on my mind and nothing visible on the horizon. It's almost as if I have fallen down the rabbit hole. Which is ironic due to my love of fantasy and I'm trying to push reality.

       So what does one do when they feel a connection? An attraction to things far beyond their reach or ability? I had a reality once that made sense now all seems like madness. Are you the rabbit?
-  William Dreimann

Music and art -

     I'm on some level an artist, more of an eccentric and a bizarre maniac with a taste for the odd and unusual, but I roll that all into my view of an artist. I'm not saying that I know art or that my art is better than others, but I do understand the concept of art, and contrary to popular belief art is not just an expression.... it is a voice. Thus bringing me to the concepts of censorship. Censorship is actually quite infantile in it's development compared to the world. As of the past 20 years it has been a tool to control and conform the masses and well simply speaking a nanny to the masses. No you can't say this or do that or show this at this time. The times however have matured and become smarter than the censor. If we don't like what you have to say we go to another form of media. Don't like that they censored a TV show download the uncensored episode online.
     This massive monster of a question is born from this change in the times. What is right for whom? I'm not saying there are direct rules to age as people like forms of art are multifaceted and differ greatly. There is a basic guideline and the ultimate downfall to this guideline which creates the majority of the issues with censorship is Parental guidance. Too many parents let things fly that shouldn't just because they'd rather be friends with their child rather than a parent. Mostly because people are having children younger and younger. So how do you enforce the failure of these few parents? The government and the conservative view is to punish us all. To be honest this is futile and pointless as the smart masses of the people learn ways around things. Such as pirating, bootlegging and intellectual bypassing of the limits of censorship oh and by the way a fair portion of the people smart enough to counteract the censorship are the idiots who don't watch their kids. Ironic right?
     Art is a given right. No I don't mean that an infant or an immature should be allowed to paint nudes or something more bizarre. What I'm stating that if a mind is allowed to be creative it gives a child focus. Instead of teaching todays use the internet and letting the TV and Web raise your child. Sit down and do something artistic with them. Let them sing or teach them some silly songs. If you're creative enough parodies. What is wrong with the "Youth of the Nation" is not the media they are shown or the games they play, but the lacking of supervision and moral support to go with the media they are exposed to. I was raised in the Looney Toons era but never did I once try to feed my brother dynamite. I was taught it's humor not how life works. This is part of the flaw or the mixture of animation and reality TV. More people think that what they see on TV should be copied by the fact they are told "This is real", instead of "this is for entertainment purposes".
- William Dreimann

5/1/13 - Damnation and internal zombification

     I'm having a bit of a internal mental breakdown, I keep getting feelings of dread and unsurely moods. There is a blank stare to my dreams as of late it's like I'm seeing something else something not so me. I could just be subconsciously taking on some of my friends worries but there's a dead darkness that I'm not quite used to. It's actually effecting my sleep. There must be an answer.

- WD

Would you love a monster man, could you understand beauty of the beast -

      Dreaming a lot lately as things just don't seem to be fitting into place. I'm trying to build up a positive self image, but it seems a lot like I'm staring into a void. An empty spinning vortex to another dimension and it's like I want to jump but I'm super glued to the ground. I am my own worst enemy and my own eternal monster of damnation.

Dream 4/22/13

    I must state I had the strangest dream in a while and yes I could feel which was cool the dream had the following elements I do not wish to share details, but wow...

• An argument over something strange
• A woman walk in a give me a blow job which lead to a very strange way of having sex
• A 3D like state of imagery
• N v J as I like to call it.

- William Dreimann

4/16/2013 The Emotional Wall and the pain

     I'll admit I'm not one for sharing emotion I've always seen it as an open sign of weakness. I have though been replaying parts of Pink Floyd's the wall over and over again in my mind and feel that the wall I have up maybe the cause of some of my personal despair.

4/12/13 A Dream and some twisted thoughts

      I had a strange ass dream last night and for some reason feel compelled to share what I can recall of this madness. The basic plot seemed to be a fight over some strange slinky like toy but I can't recall why anyone wanted these things. Here are the other details I can recall in no particular order...

• My high school art teacher lived in a room which looked like the containment room of the ghostbuster building but it had two large buttons that had a sign that read "when all hope is lost press both buttons to escape"
• The dream took place in this house that I keep dreaming about It's not quite a mansion but it's built like something of the sort. There are secret entrances and things are not always as they seem.
• The main room I kept ending up in had spinning walls that basically changed the room drastically. IE from toy shelves to book cases to wine casks.
• There were slots in the ceiling and floors that toys kept falling through and for some reason I did not want the noisy toys to make any sounds as they would give my position away. Yet everyone knew where I was.
• There was a tower that for some reason only I could climb and it was full of porn. I couldn't focus on the images but for some reason I knew it was porn.

That's what I can recall of this twisted little world in my brain. Part of me seems to want to understand and focus on more of the detail while the other half of my brain wants to understand the story of what's going on better.

     I think it's finally happened that my eccentricities have taken over my thoughts when I'm sleeping so I hope my dreams grow more and more vivid. (if not at least have some of the vivid girls available) I ponder my inner thoughts a bit too much and yet am trying to clear my mental cobwebs so I can function like an average member of society.

- William Dreimann

4/11/13 - A day in the life of madness

     I've got this compulsion to write out my thoughts since my journal has been packed away to clear up clutter I've decided to blog some of my insane ideas. No this will not quite be as insane as my journal, but it may help clear up and organize my thoughts as of lately. I know what I post to an online source is like screaming it to the world so I'll try to put a filter on some things.
     I've been lost in my own head for a couple years now. I've got things I want to do, things I need to do and things that just aren't working so I'm trying to clean it up so I function.
Things I want to do:

• Learn to tattoo - Yeah I'm somewhat of an artist and I'm great with certain types of media but I'd love for someone to be wearing my art. Thankfully I have got someone thus far with an image I drew up on their skin.
• Get a job that allows my creativity to flow - Yeah this is more of a dream ideal but still sometimes you find inspiration in the strangest places.

These are the primary thoughts that have been running rampant. I would go into other aspects of things, but I don't want to post all my thoughts to the world. I'd love though to get my artwork out there. I think I'll spend some time with my scanner today and see how much more I can build of a gallery to add to this little blog so maybe I can set up a portable viewable portfolio that is much nicer than my sketchbook and easier to show people.

    I'm not too sure how public I plan to make this blog or if I'm even going to give out the url for people to reply and share thoughts with me as well I'm not sure I even want them to.