lust and so what if you're busted

I am a fool of desire. I'll share my plight here, but I will state that this is a replication of my thoughts not an exact representation.
     Lust ..... It's something we all desire. I for one fall victim to this whim quite often. I find myself thought unable to respond to it's calls and desires. I find that too much bullshit stands in my way. It's funny as I keep thinking back to points in relationships I've been in and keep finding this fatal flaw of where I seem to lose the ability to submit to a primal desire. It's like I fall victim to my own devices and thoughts before satiation of a carnal pleasure. Normally it seems so easy so ready so willing..... then as time passes I find that I become boring and no one seems to want me the way I want them. My eyes and mind then start to wander. I never cheat outright, to be honest if it were not for porn and internet porn I'd be a wandering gigolo. Yet thanks to modern technology I find myself lost to a mastubatory life where I hope and desire lust that never seems to find it's way to me.
     I have my suspicions, but no desire to hurt myself to find truth. In this I am a fool.

The internal bleeding and self demise of Myself (a poetic thought)

I am alone....
Nothing really around yet darkness
I am someone
A once was of humanity and kindness
Hemorrhaging vile of the mentality
A disturbing vision of this entity
I drowned my sorrow
I've murdered my anger

Hope is a fleeting thought of repression
Freedom is a quest of transgression

As I decend into madness.....

     I've been trying to prioritize things to keep myself running on some of the things I enjoy. Yes this list includes my artwork and video games and things that keep my mind active. Hopefully I'll start work at a decent paying job so I can further the progress of my hobbies so to speak. Yet I feel lost in my own world. I feel like I'm an accessory not so much as a part of the life I lead. This is causing ripples into things. Mostly a desire to go beyond normal means of things. My artwork is reflecting a lot of my desires and feelings yet there is a mash of who I am and who I was in those pieces. It may end up simply being nothing new and yet at the same time may become an integral part of my design process. I feel sad yet happy as art brings forth thought and hopefully one day this will all make sense.

You can kill yourself now because you're dead in my mind.

       Having a day, not good not bad. Just a day. It's a twisted world and I feel myself being drawn into my art once again. I'm working on my "Wonderland United" Project which I've been posting pieces to Artist and Madman and My Deviant art page as well I've been working on the story line and character sketches. I'm trying to go beyond wonderland and the mindset that it seems to get limited too. I'm trying not to let it turn to a giant shit pile of darkness and depression, but where I am in the story in my mind darkness is what is rolling in. So I keep looking to the darker recesses of the mind to bring forth what one would find in the dark depths of Wonderland to see what monsters will grow.
     My dreams lately have been filled with a lot of my own darkness so it's somewhat therapeutic to put this darkness into my work, but there are lingering and haunting thoughts. I keep trying to find a way for it to move forward and grow into an epic tale. Yet I find myself pushing out mountains of shadow with no light in sight. I'd like to say that Alice will be the beacon of light in this tale, but it seems she too will make some transitions to where she grows cold and dark before finding peace.
- William Dreimann

Not much left to love to tired today to hate I feel the empty

     Music is a way to soothe the savage beast many have said. To me, it soothes one demon and enrages another. I've been an emotional mess lately. Depression is hitting me in all sorts of angles and I keep looking for something to be able to control. I've been delving into my art and playing a lot with photoshop and just trying to ebb out the things that are frustrating the hell out of me. Yet music comes into play and either I become rock or an emotional mess. It's quite entertaining if you look back on it after the fact, but in that moment I feel things I don't want to feel. There's this fine line and almost anything can cross it but the switches flipped are always non concurrent. Blah.
- William Dreimann

Post Apocalyptic Mind -

     I've hit somewhat of an artistic block. I've been watching animation and weird movies just trying to find something that inspires my drive. Normally I'd post this to my artistic blog, but I'm trying to keep that as artistically pure as possible and I feel this post may detract from my art. That and well the thoughts running through my head currently don't belong there either. I woke up today to hear more treachery, nothing I'll get into detail about but lets just say there is this fine aspect of where I feel my financial woes are not over besides the fact that I'm out of work.
     It's funny people asked to be treated with kindness and respect and when you do they shit on you, but if your guard stays up and you don't trust them they act like you're the ultimate asshole. I almost wish I could use my ammunition properly and take some of these people into their own personal hell. Just because it would be a perfect end to the day.
- William Dreimann

The Inner Me an artistic view of myself -

     I've been doing some deep thinking to the point where I find cravings that really don't make complete and total sense with me. I'll admit there are some things that catch my eye, but it's like things are holding my attention that really do nothing for me. Little details in light, bizarre porn where there is nothing that really turns me on about it, but curiosity won't let it be. To a partial point I'm quite animalistic in my desirable tastes. Yet there is this curiosity to see darker and darker into a world I'll never be able to reach.
     I'm told I'm withdrawn and well slowly heading down that road that doesn't make sense to anyone where people are fearful that I'm going to lose it. Maybe this is what I've become or maybe this is just the path of where my mind is. I know something isn't right, but it's hard to put my finger on what just exactly is reflecting in my thoughts as of late.